Missing Out On Stuff And Please Show Me The Fat-Friendly Adventure Sport Companies

One thing that has really stood out for me recently is the sheer amount of stuff that I have not tried or experienced due to my size/weight and the social fears which accompany being fat. I am by no means anywhere even the upper limits of “average” sized, but I am physically more comfortable at 128kg than I was at 156kg, and as such have been giving a lot of thought to my fat-girl knee-jerk reaction of saying no to various activities/opportunities.

I started thinking about it a week ago when I was overseas – we were out late at night and we were unable to get a cab, but had the option of plenty of lovely young men to ferry us on the backs of their scooters. My instant knee-jerk reaction was “no way”, because I was convinced that I would be too heavy for the scooter or that people would laugh at the obese girl on the back of a little scooter. As it happened, we really weren’t going to be getting a taxi anytime soon, and with a hefty amount of reassurance from my friends and the scooter driver, I reluctantly straddled the scooter, ready to hear the impending laughter or popping of budget Indonesian scooter tires. Guess what – neither of those things happened. But something else did happen – I really, really enjoyed that scooter ride! I’ve been to Indonesia about four times and have always refused the scooters because of my weight-related fears and I felt sad that I had never just turned off my internal naysayer and gotten on the damn things.

I legitimately though this would be what happened when I got on that thing!

I legitimately though this would be what happened when I got on that thing!

For some time, my partner and I talked about riding bicycles around together – he is an avid cyclist and I was interested because we lived in a flat and fairly low-traffic area. I spent hours and hours online, frantically trying to find information in forums about bikes for heavy people and, like so many parts of the internet, found nothing but contradictory pieces of advice and info. I decided that a beach cruiser seemed to be the sturdiest bike, but then got worried that when we got to the bike store and I had to test ride it, the spokes would buckle and the tires would pop and all the thin, athletic cycle pro staff would glare at me with disgust and anger. I relayed these concerns to my partner and he brushed them off, telling me I was being ridiculous. Still, I put it off for at least another year because I was too scared of my fears coming true. In the end we went and got matching beach cruiser bikes (he enjoyed test-riding my one so much that he bought the matching men’s one) and nothing went horribly wrong when I was test-riding it. Unfortunately we moved to a hilly area right on a busy main road, so I sold my bike, because I don’t even like driving on the same roads as Perth drivers, much less cycle among them on the busy streets!

There are far too many examples of situations that are almost identical to the two above. Here is a bulletpoint list of all the things I have refused to do because of my weight:

– Get back into surfing
– Go to music festivals, especially in summer as I will be judged for being fat and sweaty and cannot wear shorts.
– Go anywhere where there may be chairs with narrow armrests, like old theaters etc.
– Go to any restaurants where I haven’t been able to view the pictures online to ensure that we won’t be too close to other tables/diners, and that the seats won’t be narrow-armed.
– Take part in any activity where you have to use company-provided gear such as clothing, harnesses – in short, anything that a company would deem as fitting regular people but which will probably not come anywhere near to fitting me. As a side note to this, I hate when people say, “it’s ok we go up to a XXL men’s.” Yeah but an XXL men’s size still only has a bloody hip circumference of 100cm, which would render it a size 14-16 womens. My shoulders aren’t the issue, it’s my goddamn hips and thighs. So no, a wide shouldered men’s XXL wetsuit/safety suit is not going to come anywhere near fitting my hips, butt and thighs.
– Go to any event that will be full of athletic people or thin people that will surely judge me harshly and make fun of me or worse, look at me with disgust and/or pity.
– Pole dancing classes.
– Go to any event or activity where there could be even the remotest chance that I will get told loudly by a smug teenager in front of a bunch of strangers (or worse, family/friends!) that I am too heavy or big to partake. Things like theme parks, indoor trampoline and rock-climbing centers, any “extreme” sports etc.
– A day spa for wraps and massages and mud baths. That’s another thing – many weight loss plans tell patients to “reward” themselves for reaching a “minigoal” with a non-food item “like a massage”. Yeah, because what we really find relaxing is to go to a clinical, unfamiliar place and be given a robe that threatens to simultaneously expose both your gunt and your bum, only to then have some judgmental 19 year old beauty therapist limply-yet-cautiously prod you as if you are a sea cucumber, taking frequent breaks to ridicule your fatness to her friend at the front desk where she thinks you’re out of earshot – and for the record no, I wasn’t out of earshot. But I was out of pocket $250 for that whole “rewarding” experience.
– Going to the gynaecologist (even though I have worrying issues like no period for 2 years followed by one period for 7 months) because of horror stories. Yep – if there’s one thing society has taught me as a fat women, it’s that I do not deserve adequate medical treatment.
– Too many more to list, and I’m sure many of you have about a million other things you could easily add to this list.

Some of these are due to my own fears/insecurities and I should just let the fear go and do the things anyway. However there are many that are legitimately off-limits to people like me, and it is really fucking annoying having your size 8 friend telling you that you’re just being silly and of course they will have wetsuits/snowboarding pants/thigh harnesses etc to fit you. I spend so much time online trying to find adventure wear that is plus-sized and I know how small the sizes actually are, so don’t tell me I’m being silly just because you’ve never failed to fit into anything in your life and have no idea what it is like trying to navigate the world as anything other than a size 6-10!!! And for the record, every time you buy a pair of $250 Lululemon leggings (and you’d better have the world’s best box gap to actually wear them), somewhere in the world at least three unicorns will die.

The stereotype of a fat person only being interested in doing sedate things like reading, or playing video games, or not wanting to go out in public much, is not actually how most of us prefer to live!
Do people have any idea how much some of us want to partake in rock-climbing, surfing, music festivals, science lectures, trampolining, day spa pampering, laser tag, snowboarding? The list goes on and on.
I bet that if fat people were actually catered for in terms of correctly-fitting clothing/equipment and fat-friendly activity companies that go to the effort to engineer their equipment to cater to higher weights, then fatties like me would actually be out and about doing all of that awesome stuff that is seemingly only available to people within a certain size or weight bracket. I’d be happy to throw all of my fat dollars at businesses that are proactive about inclusion of larger sizes and have clear guidelines on their websites about sizes of gear etc so that people can check it out to make sure they won’t have to be sent away in front of all their friends for not fitting the clothing or whatever.

This could definitely be me, if only snowboarding pants could be made in a larger size. Unfortunately the technology in 2014 doesn't allow for things like that.

This could definitely be me, if only snowboarding pants could be made in a larger size. Unfortunately the technology in 2014 doesn’t allow for things like that.

People are always complaining that fat people appear inactive/lazy, antisocial and “sensitive about their weight” – well maybe if we were actually given some exercise options other than walking, running, swimming, or gruelling personal training which is not fun, then perhaps there wouldn’t be such an issue for fat people not being able to lose weight. Give us options to engage in fun physical activity that we enjoy for the sake of the activity, not just monotonous exercise choices that are only there for us purely to punish our fat bodies solely for being fat. If the aforementioned activities were loudly fat-positive, I’d probably be a size 12 by now, because I’d be out there “doin’ extreme sports shit” every morning before work and most weekends. Why can society not understand that the best way to eradicate the so-called “obesity epidemic” is not to shame and judge, but to encourage and include. Fucking DUH, you guys. You catch more fat people with honey, I promise.

I’m not actually “sensitive about my weight” at all – my weight is just fine, as is everybody else’s on the planet. I’m a beautiful woman who deserves to feel good about herself, as does every other person on this planet.
Nevertheless, I have to lose weight so that I can enjoy the privileges that smaller people get – which actually feels like I’m selling out my personal morals, because instead of insisting that society change it’s views to accept that all human beings are equal and that fat people are no less deserving of opportunity than thin people, I unfortunately know that this will most likely never happen within my lifetime, therefore it is me who must change to fit in. I am forced to change myself to avoid being excluded, hated, blamed for “wasting tax dollars” (what?!) and judged harshly, solely for the shameful crime of having a bit more adipose tissue than others. Ergo, I feel like I’m meekly giving my lunch money to the bully, and I kind of hate myself for it. This is a topic that is likely to come up often on this blog, by the way.

No. I’m not sensitive about my weight at all. What I’m actually “sensitive” about, is society’s treatment and exclusion of fat people. Let us do the damn adventure/fun sports. It’s not that hard to make slightly larger fucking ski pants or slightly thicker trampoline material. Surely you can add another bit of length to harnesses to allow them to adjust to a more rotund body. It’s 2014 for fuck’s sake, the technology exists so stop trying to pretend it can’t be done.

Love, a Fellow Fatty xoxoxooxoxoxxooxox

P.S. By the way, the point of this blog was to say that I am no longer going to let the social stigma of being fat prevent me from having the experiences I want to have. And then it turned into a rant about the shit that I am actively excluded from due to my size! So yeah – go forth fellow fatties and don’t let society tell you that you’re a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to have seaweed wraps and massages just because the day spa robes only fit up to a size 16!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Greetings Friends!

Hello again after a long absence!!!

A few things have been happening of late which have derailed my time spent at the computer (probably not a bad thing, though!)
I was given a “promotion” to 2IC of our busy superstore which means a few more hours and a tiny bit more responsibility. I think the position itself was kind of invented for me, because I have made it very clear that I have zero interest in managing a store, ever. They are aware that they will have me as an employee for as long as dildoes are still popular with the masses, but I will never take on the godawful role of middle management. The pay would only be marginally better and I’d have to work a whole bunch more, with the added responsibility of the store’s performance and being hounded by those above me and also below me. No thanks!

So after 2 years with the company and having top sales averages, I finally asked to be transferred to a store closer to home, and they did some jostling around of staff between stores to create a position for me at our huge store (which is far closer to home). The added responsibility means that I make decisions on behalf of the manager if she isn’t there, which is no biggie because as a long-tenured staff, I tend to do that anyway. This store is open later than others, which has meant that I don’t really think about writing blog posts much when I get home, because dinner is the first priority, then the skies. I’ve become an amateur astronomer in the past few months and have been spending a great deal of time looking through my telescopes, using astronomy software to plan viewing times, and endlessly reading forums and chatting to other amateur astronomers.

Here's a shot I took of the moon a few nights ago, through my 8 inch Dobsonian telescope. I'm very proud of the pics I've gotten so far!

Here’s a shot I took of the moon a few nights ago, through my 8 inch Dobsonian telescope. I’m very proud of the pics I’ve gotten so far!

I also recently went over to Indonesia for a wee 6 day trip for a friend’s birthday, which was a nice little jaunt. As you may be aware, flying as a fatty has always been something that has terrified the everloving piss out of me. This time was much more comfortable, as I am trundling along steadily (slowly but healthily and surely) with my weight loss efforts. I am now down to 128kg, which is the lowest I have been in 5 years! When I sat on the plane I was so excited, my hips stayed well within the armrests (no over the top bulge) and my neighbour didn’t even mind that he was sitting next to a fatty! I did ask if he had enough room and jokingly referred to my gargantuan butt, and all he did was chuckle and say, “no love, you’re quite alright” in the voice of one of those sweet 50 year old Aussie working-class blokes with blue denim in their veins.
That set the tone for me feeling optimistic about my trip – I even rode around on the back of scooters, which is something that I have never done, due to my various insecurities around being huge (more on this general topic in the next post).

So that is my general life update at the moment, new position at work, new hobby and down almost 30kg. More in-depth topical posts are coming to an internet near you momentarily!

Love, A Fellow Fatty xoxoxooxoxoxooxoxo

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I’m back!

After promises of neglecting this blog, I have gone and done it again! (neglected it, that is). Which is a shame because I really enjoy writing about the saga that is my fat life, safe in the knowledge that it is well-hidden from the eyes of the people that I know IRL (save from two that I have shared it with).

I’m currently down to 135.5kg, which is another 10kg down from the start of March. This is pretty much bang on track for me as my aim is to lose 1kg a week (which is incredibly safe and realistic for anyone over 100kg). Sometimes I have a weird patch where the scales just don’t budge, even though I have been doing everything right. Sometimes it even goes up, but then I have these little periods of consistent loss, which seems to just even everything out.

I’m not following any particular special eating plan or anything, there’s nothing that I’m doing that I couldn’t keep up long term, the only difference really is that I’m militantly recording everything that I eat, and I have a little checklist that I aim to tick off every day:

*More than 3L of Water? (self explanatory).
*No takeout? (my partner and I used to eat takeout quite a bit so now I want to evaluate how often we do).
*No processed snacks? (self explanatory, just trying to cut down on rubbish)
*Only 1 piece of bread? (I used to eat sandwiches for lunch and also 2 pieces at breakfast, making at least 6 pieces of bread a day (sometimes I’d have a sandwich for dinner too!) Although I only ever eat soy and linseed or wholegrain bread I’m focusing on not relying on bread as a meal base – it’s forced me to be creative and find other food sources which has been surprisingly easy! Now I just have 1 piece of bread with 2 poached eggs in the morning, and the weight has been coming off more consistently since I began doing this. I feel that it’s completely sustainable as it’s not cutting out a whole food group per se, I can still have bread whenever I want, but recording it makes me see when I’m having it more and then I can look at alternatives.
*Exercise? (again, self explanatory).

On the same page I also write down what I have had that day (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and how much water) and at the end of the week there is a weekly assessment page where I add how many ticks I got for each category out of 7 days. Then I just try to beat my total the next week. For someone who loves lists and recording things and analysing things, this is a really fun thing for me, and it really helps me keep on track and be extremely mindful. It makes me consciously choose to have frozen berries instead of a Magnum when I’m craving something sweet after dinner, for example. Obviously if I *really* want a Magnum I will have it, just not every day!

Anyway, enough with the boring food and exercise talk, I have another trip coming up – this time to Bali, with two incredibly slim friends who are full-on into fitspo and Isagenix. They are wonderful people but it doesn’t stop me feeling self-conscious around them a lot of the time, especially when there are swimming pools and hot weather involved! Thankfully we are not on the same flight so I won’t have to feel all self-conscious in front of them being a fatty squished into an airplane seat. Hopefully I will have an empty seat next to me (I’m right down the back of the plane in the last row so I’m hoping I get it to myself) but having said that my aim is to be 125kg by the time we fly (sticking to my 1kg per week target), which will diminish greatly my chances of feeling like I’m crowding my neighbour on the plane. So as long as I keep doing what I’m doing I should be fine and I’m not going to stress about it any further!

People still haven’t noticed any weight loss on me, and I can’t tell if I’m just imagining it because I know I’ve lost over 20kg, or if I really do look different. For most people, a 20kg loss will take them from a size 14 down to a size 8 and everybody notices. Not so much at this size!! I think that I will have to lose probably another 20kg at least before it’s noticeable – which as I mentioned in a previous post, is really disheartening. It’s not that I’m doing this for other people, but there is a large aspect of vanity to it, in the sense that I want to wear all sorts of awesome clothes. I know many people lose weight for their health but I am currently really healthy and so it’s not like I got some sort of “wake-up call” or am pre-diabetic or suffer hypertension or any of those things which are common with larger fats. This whole thing is half-vanity and half-preventative (because fuck trying to lose large amounts of weight in my 30s when it gets so much harder!)

I don’t feel guilty admitting that I yearn to wear all the rad clothes that I see made for smaller sizes only. I don’t think of it as a self-esteem issue because I don’t feel like my self-worth will increase from losing weight, nor do I think my life will magically get better in any way (it’s already pretty amazing) …. however I am quite an artistic person and I feel quite frustrated at times never having anything to wear apart from boring-ass shit that I have to wear all the time because it’s hard finding clothes I like in my size. Nobody would look at me and think that I had a great personal style, because my size gets in the way of that. My shape also gets in the way of it, because certain cuts and styles don’t work on *all of this*.
Here are some of my dream styles …

Every day would be dress-ups day for me!

Every day would be dress-ups day for me!

 

Until next time …

xx A Fellow Fatty

 

 

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What Being A Fat Woman Is Really Like

Recently, this interview (which I was pleasantly surprised with!) appeared on Cosmopolitan’s website. I have seen many fat bloggers publish their own answers to the questions, in an attempt to get more and more fat voices heard. I thought I would give it a go myself, to explore some of the questions in my own mind as well as showing people what my thoughts and feelings are on the matter.
So. Onward!

How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?

I addressed this in literally the previous post! But for the sake of the questionnaire, I will re-define it on a larger spectrum. I am pretty much the largest person that I know, so when other people do this in front of me, they are almost always what we call “straight-sized” (that is, size 6-18). When women do this, I can pretty much tell straight away whether it is an insecure fishing-for-compliments ploy, or whether it is a genuine concern and they just forgot that they were complaining to someone thrice their size. The former happens to me a hell of a lot, as I work in a sex store which specialises in plus-size lingerie (thanks in part to ongoing  lobbying by my formerly plus-size manager and my currently plus-size self, yay!). When a size 6-8 woman tries on a costume and then tells me that she is too fat for it, then I smile blandly and tell her that she could perhaps try the next size up, which is usually met with a scandalised look of indignance. What I don’t understand is when people are that small and then get pissy about going up a size. Dude, nobody can see the tag. Be thankful that you HAVE another size to go up to! When women complain about having to wear *gasp* a bigger size, I just have no sympathy. It’s lingerie. It’s made for Asian women. Yes, your size 8 body may require a Medium. Don’t shoot the messenger. Stop complaining to me about being fat when you are NOT. I also have a friend who tags herself on Tumblr with “fat” and “fatshion”. I’m like, “could you fucking not!?” She is about a firm size 10-14. So don’t do that. When I search “fatshion”, it is because I want to see my own body type represented. Not some straight-sized emo chick who wants compliments/attention.
The latter is when women are actually down on themselves and it is heartbreaking. I can only offer a hug and some straight-up advice. I know they aren’t saying it to be jerks, so I’m careful to refrain from pointing out my comparative fatness. Instead I give them age-old advice on flattering their shape (if that is what they are after) and compliment them heavily on stuff that I know they love about themselves. What else can you do? We are all battling our images together in this sexist world, after all. But be warned; I am intuitive, intelligent and I wasn’t born yesterday. I can tell immediately if you are fucking with me, or if you actually need my love – and I will deal with you accordingly.

How has your body image changed since high school? College?

Yes, I would say that it has gotten much better, even though I am exactly double the weight I was in high school. Looking back, I just cannot believe that I was so grossed out by my body and the way I looked. I know that this is really familiar ground with many women, but yeah… I was definitely not as fat as I thought I was. I am a lot more confident as a person, therefore I am no longer too timid to be around people for fear of what they may think about my body. There are of course still times that get me in a panic (see my post about flying while fat!) but for the most part, I’m far more body-confident these days.

Have you tried dieting? What happened?

Bahahahah. Of course. Show me a fat person that hasn’t and I will show you a liar. I think that what people seem to assume about fat people is that we have never considered “putting down the fork and getting into the gym”. Most fat people have successfully lost weight and then gained it all back plus more. There are no studies that can prove a method of successful long-term weight loss. That should tell us something. But the ones who bitch about how all fat people should be on diets are generally people that have never ever been fat, and have never had to even consider the scales. But in answer to the question at hand, yes I have tried dieting, many many times. In high school I developed a severe problem with anorexia/bulimia, and when I recovered I put on a whole bunch more weight than what I had lost. I have tried all sorts of fucked-up diets and can honestly say that the worst is the Atkins. That shit is fucked up, man. Yeah I’m sure your aunty lost 40kg on it. But I’ll be damned if I am going to lose 40kg by eating nothing but fried meats whilst saying no to fruit, ugh. I can almost taste the grease now. The problem is that when confonted with the notion that dieting doesn’t actually work, many people argue vehemently and offer anecdotal evidence, such as stories about their own weight loss, or their aunty who did Atkins. Anecdotal evidence does not make your opinion correct. I have smoked regularly and socially for 15 years and I am not addicted to smoking. That doesn’t mean that nicotine is not addictive, so I would never tell anybody to smoke because “it’s not addictive”. It’s just my anecdotal evidence at play.

Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?

It’s hard to say, because myself, my father and my brother are both of large build, with very broad shoulders, big bones, big wrists etc. But my mother is small. I could say that yes, I 100% take after my father and brother, but I’m not a geneticist so I really don’t have the smarts to answer that one definitively. What I will say is that even at my thinnest, I was still like a size 16 (that’s with collarbones and hipbones visible etc) so it would probably be physically impossible for me to ever get into a size 8, unless I broke a few bones to jam myself in there. That tells me that I am of a much much larger build than say, my mum, who is a size 8. I do think that people come in all different builds, shapes and sizes. I am certain that there are many many women out there who will never be a size 6-10 due to their physical build. Is that genetics? Most likely.

Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?

Everyone has different definitions of health. My particular route to my personal health are these goals:
– having energy upon waking in the morning
– no ongoing aches/pains
– having healthy skin
– having good posture
– ease of movement/breathing
– feeling happy, having a positive mental attitude.
I experience these when I do the following:
– drink plenty of water
– movement that I enjoy when I want to do it, not because I *have to*, or to punish my fat body
– get regular 8 hours of sleep every night at the same time
– be conscious of my posture
– addressing changes in attitude/mental wellbeing and considering why
– eating a varied amount of whole foods, eating mindfully/when I’m hungry. No restricting/calorie counting/feeling shit about myself in relation to foods I have/haven’t eaten.
Having said that, nobody owes health to anybody. Nobody gets to scrutinize the habits of anybody, and especially not when they are trying to make a fat person justify their right to exist in their own body. I believe in health at every size and I also believe in the Underpants Rule as coined by Ragen Chastain over at Dances With Fat. I’m sure I break that a lot in my empassioned writing, but whatever. At the end of the day, everybody is the boss of their own underpants, and anybody who tries to interfere with that is just a dickhead.

Are your parents both supportive of you at the weight you’re at? Have they always been?

Well, my dad passed away in 2010 from hereditary pancreatic cancer, but he always loved me for me and never once mentioned my weight. My mum used to be a real jerk about it, doing things like looking at me with disgust and saying “can’t you go for a walk?” But after Dad died, she mellowed out a lot and literally never mentions it, ever. I think it was hard for her when I went from a bulimic dancer with a large frame to a legit fatty. Oh well, she seems to have gotten over it.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-size people?

I’ve addressed this on this blog before as well! But please, for the love of god, stop ruining perfectly good garments with embellishments/details that are only ever used in plus-size fashion. Diamantes, peek-a-boo sleeves, hi-lo cuts, too many ruffles, peplums on everything. Just fucking STOP IT. Why can’t we just get the straight-sized shit made larger? I promise, I look much better in a plain black lace collar blouse than a zebra-print one with diamantes and peek-a-boo shoulders. Seriously. Stop letting a 4 year old with a crafts box design our shit. I feel like it is an attempt to keep plus-size women downtrodden, to make us feel like we’re not good enough. “No, you can’t have nice clothes, you’re too fat and unworthy!” they scream. Fuck you.
Also, while you’re at it, extend your damn sizing range. Sure, you may need a few more diamantes, but whatever. There are women bigger than size 26 and it’d be real swell if they could be accommodated too. ALSO, more actual stores. I’m sick of trying to shop online using incorrect sizing charts and whatnot. I want to feel the fabric and try shit on. Please.

Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men are? How?

Absolutely. Take the “plus-size” out of that question and ask again.
“Do you think women are judged differently than men are? How?”
The patriarchy is still alive and well, for all sized people. I think that fat women do get an even more raw deal, because not only are we women, but we are women who dare to not exist for the sole purpose of being decorative and giving straight, middle-aged white men that boners that they oh-so-badly deserve, just for being men. These men can’t stand fat women because they can’t stand the idea that we don’t recognise them as the most important beings on this planet, and don’t get ourselves in a frenzy trying to win their approval.
I understand that this section has sounded really empassioned, but trust me, it has a basis in truth.

Do you think there’s an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?

Of course there is. And it sucks because it is bigotry – it’s no better than racism. It’s fucked up when I get tarred with the brush of lazy, smelly, stupid, greedy, selfish and slow, all because that’s how the media chooses to portray fat people.

Do you think there’s ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?

Sure, if you are a medical professional that can actually show someone hard evidence of why they need to lose weight for their health. And I don’t mean shouting about how “EVERYBODY KNOWS fat is bad mmkay?” I mean, show them the actual facts about their weight and why it needs to be reduced. And don’t confuse “BMI” for “health”.

What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?

How many hours do you have?? Haha. Let’s just say that I have been called literally everything you can think of that has ever meant “you’re fat and you’re not good enough”.

How did you respond?

By going home and making myself throw up yet again. I know, it sounds really emo. But that is how I dealt with the bullying. These days I just feel real shit about it for ages and don’t go out or do anything social for a few weeks until I get over it.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would compliment your body or appearance?

I don’t get compliments on my body/appearance, apart from those obligatory ones from friends. I’d really prefer it if people just didn’t mention my looks at all, because I am so much more than what society tries to force me to be (an ornamental woman).

Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?

Nope, there is not really anybody of my size to hang out with! All my friends are quite small. I wouldn’t say no to a shopping buddy, though!

How has your weight affected your sex life, if at all?

Not my weight itself, but the bullying certainly has. When I am walking home from somewhere and guys slow down their cars to yell out at me about how disgusting I am (when nobody else is even in their car, so it’s not even a group of guys being dicks, wtf?), it certainly doesn’t make me want to go home and fuck my boyfriend. Every time I get hassled about my appearance, welcome to another dry spell of no sex because I feel like such absolute shit about myself.

When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?

Nope, not at all. Though I have rebuffed many many advances in bars etc because I have always been convinced that the guy is approaching me because he was dared to, or because him and his friends are having a laugh. Put it down to the fact that I have had the misfortune of knowing who Tucker Max is.

Do you feel weird if the guy you’re with only dates larger women?

Yes I do, I don’t want someone to be interested in me just because I am fat. That shit is fucked up – Being a fat woman doesn’t mean I want to be a fetish. Men need to understand that fat women aren’t necessarily all totally stoked to be fat. Work out how she feels about her body before you get on in there raving about how you want to be suffocated with her mounds of flesh. I once dated a guy that I thought was too good to be true – and then I found out he was. He was a chubby-chaser/fat admirer, whatever you want to call it. He would try and talk about my big tummy whilst we were fucking – man that turned me off. Oh, so you ONLY like me because of the thing I hate most about myself? Oh good.

Do you feel weird if he’s only dated slimmer women before you?

No, not at all. People are interested in all sorts of people for whatever reason. I just don’t like the idea of a guy having a “type”. I don’t want to have to fulfill some sort of fucked-up “checklist” for him to be interested in me!

So there you go, my answers to those questions. Are they super fat-positive? No. Does it matter? Absolutely not. Just to remind you, this is not a fat-positive blog. Conversely, it’s not a weight-loss blog. It’s a blog for however I am feeling on a particular day, as a woman who is fat. Sometimes I like my body, sometimes I hate it. This is one of those hating on my body days, which is why I sound all pissed off in this post!! Sometimes it’s hard to be all fat-positive – even though it’s the “right” thing to do, sometimes it’s just too hard to pretend to be all sunshiney about how I look. And that’s okay.

Love, A Fellow Fatty xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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Fatuation #3 Dealing With A World Where Everyone Is Really Open About Desperately Trying Not To Look Like Me

It’s a long title, but it is something that comes up for all fat people and even a lot of slim people with body dysmorphia. When you are a fat person surrounded with thin people who are really vocal about trying to not be fat (aka trying to not be YOU), then social situations can seem really depressing at times.

Once I was having drinks with a few friends and one of them shrieked to her girlfriend, “don’t eat that! (piece of chocolate) – you’ll get fat and I won’t like you!” I mean, dude I was literally RIGHT THERE. And nobody batted an eyelid, it’s like they either had forgotten I was there, or assumed that I would be totally okay with them being fucking assholes about my body type right in front of me. Or it could have been the situation where people are condescending idiots, “oh no Michelle, YOU’RE not fat, we don’t mean you, we mean those other disgusting fat people, which you don’t classify as, because you’re our friend.” Look. I AM fat, there’s no beating around the bush. I AM that person that you see on the street and shudder inwardly at. I AM that body that you spend hours in the gym trying to avoid becoming. I AM fat, and when friends use fat as a negative term in front of me they don’t see why it is wrong because they have trouble associating me with those “other” negatives that seem to be encompassed by the word “fat” because I am not also stupid, smelly, greedy, slow, lazy and nasty. But “fat” doesn’t mean all those things. It simply means an excess of adipose tissue, and I wish people would stop being condescending whenever I call myself fat. Look. I don’t call myself fat because I am fishing for compliments (like when normal-sized people do it), I am literally using it as a descriptor, like brunette. When friends try to contradict me, that’s when shit gets embarrassing. Why is it so hard to admit that your friend is fat?? Is it because you associate a whole bunch of negative qualities with being fat and are not sure how to label your intelligent and pretty friend with the same word?

Many many friends throughout my life have loved bemoaning to me about how they feel fat, or how they are fat (90% of them were size 6-12). I would roll my eyes and say “well if you think you’re fat then you must think I am a house”, to which they would say “you’re not fat, it’s different”. Yeah, whatever. Shut the fuck up. Whenever a thin girl whinges about being/feeling fat in front of a legitimately fat person, they are seeking to do nothing more than make themselves feel superior with a side of compliment-fishing. I learned this a very long time ago, and have often been met with blank stares whenever I suggested they eat better and exercise more. Because what they really wanted to hear was an envious fat person telling them they were soooo thin and pretty and gushing over how much I would love to look like them. Fuck it, I’m not playing that game. I’m not here to be your reliable fat friend who forever lurks in the shadows of your hotness. I’m not playing your thin girl/fat girl insecurity games.

Pretty much most marketing towards women hits on the idea that being fat is the worst thing ever. Being met with thousands of messages every day about how my body is the grossest thing ever and that every woman on the planet is doing everything in her power to not look like me can be pretty brutal at times. Particularly in January/February, when you are assassinated on Facebook by people going on about how it’s “their special year” and how they are going to “finally be the best they can be” (read: not fat), you often log off in the evening feeling reeaaaaal disheartened with everything. Ugh. I’m already tiring of listening to my already-skinny friends bang on about how they lost 1.9kg and are now finally worthy.

Do I sound bitter? I should! 28 years of living in a society that spends trillions of dollars a year telling people that they shouldn’t look like me, gets fucking exhausting. Aye-aye-aye.

Love, a Fellow Fatty xxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

 

 

 

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I’ve Neglected This Blog Somewhat.

I started this blog last year with the aim of having a fat voice of my own out there in the internet, but it seems that I have dropped the ball on this one. I already have a long-running blog elsewhere online and I also write a paid weekly column for a local publication (and have a regular job), therefore I tend to get lazy with my personal writing. Having said that, I’m still really passionate about this blog and would like to keep making an honest go of getting my fat thoughts out of my head and into cyberspace.

Since I started this blog, I have lost about 16kg and am now sitting at just on 145kg. Of course nobody (including myself) has physically noticed this weight loss because when you are a deathfat you really need to lose a good 20-30kg before it’s even noticeable to anybody, which is probably why so many deathfats have trouble staying on track with weight loss goals. I mean, it can take a hell of a lot of effort (especially for the ladies who suffer PCOS/thyroid issues) to lose even 10-15kg and if nobody notices, it can be super disheartening, which can make you want to give up. Real life isn’t the Biggest Loser – nobody loses 8kg in a week, even if you are super big, you’re still looking at an initial loss of around 3-5kg in the first week (which is all water weight – ignore those ridiculous skinny fools who do a cleanse and then claim that they actually lost 3kg of fat in a week), followed by around 1kg a week (possibly 2kg per week for awhile, particularly if you have a meth hookup).

I am currently on annual leave and I return to work in 4 days. My 29th birthday is tomorrow and I have heard somewhere that wight loss gets a hell of a lot more difficult after the age of 30, which kind of helps me spring my ass into gear to get stuck back into it. Once I’m back at work I can re-establish my routine and get amongst it properly … my goal weight is 100kg. I know, to those of you out there who aren’t fat, that still seems really large and gross. Whatever. For me it’s not and I happen to look really fucking hot at around 100kg. At that weight, I’m in the realm of better clothes, having panic-free air travel, and “getting by on my pretty face”. Which means I have a year to lose 45 kg – totally do-able. I mean, it’s not like a bomb will go off if I don’t hit 100kg by my 30th, but it would be nice. So that is my goal – which I’m not telling friends and family about, because I don’t want to deal with the patronising and sickly “oh good you’re doing something about your morbid obesity” praise, followed by close scrutiny of everything I say, eat and wear.

Anyway, I will definitely write a lot more frequently now!!
Love, a Fellow Fatty xoxoxoxoxoxoxoox

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Being Fat On Top Of Being Big-Boned

At my smallest adult size and well within my “healthy” weight range (71kg), I visited Australia to see my aunt after my final school exams were over. I had had an eating disorder for months by this stage and being a teenager, I focused a lot of my effort on clothing and clothing sizes. When I got to Australia and went shopping in malls thrice the size I had ever seen, I left feeling hopeless and sad. I couldn’t fit ANY skirts/jeans etc in regular clothing stores, even though I looked good and was a healthy weight. Nope, I was still stubbornly a size 16-18 without fail (this was over ten years ago, before trendy plus-size stores were a thing), and spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I still couldn’t get any damn fashionable clothes that fit me.

When most women are at their “optimum weight” (according to the BMI etc), they are fairly small, and hit the vicinity of size 18 only when they become super obese. For me, size 18 was my fucking starting point, because I am so big boned. Broad shoulders, wide hips, all of that shit, was passed down to me from my father’s sturdy Irish stock. Thanks a fucking lot. When people see pictures of me back in the day, they exclaim that surely I wasn’t a size 18, I look more like a 12. Unfortunately nope, although evenly proportioned, I was still large as fuck. That’s why I kind of get pissed off at people who get all angry because “omg I can’t believe I let myself get to a SIZE FOURTEEN”. Like, fuck you man – I might have been a size 14 for all of 3 minutes when I was starving myself back in high school.

Often people can’t believe that I’m a size 26-28, or that I weigh 150kg – they think I am over-exaggerating or being self-deprecating, which fucks me off SO MUCH. The only thing worse than actually being fat is the knowledge that even if I do lose all this weight, there STILL won’t be nice clothes in it for me. Because let’s face it: plus size clothing is fucking nasty, no matter how many trendy fatshionistas manage to dress up their (far too expensive) finds with accessories, at the end of the day, the clothes still suck. Some days it’s hard being motivated when the end of the rainbow still doesn’t contain any clothing gold.

Sorry for the big rant, I’m feeling angsty today.

Love, a fellow fatty xoxoxoxoxoxo

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FATUATION #2: ROBING THYSELF

For women, there are four rough groupings of sizes:
6-12, 8-18, 16-24, and 26+.
Most clothing store size ranges will be similar to one of the groups above, perhaps give or take a size. This contributes to the incidence of girls who are size 12/14 thinking they are too fat, because they might shop at one of the smaller girl stores that consider a size 12 to be an “XXL”. Generally you have your thin-girl fashion stores that carry roughly 6-12, then you have your regular clothing stores that sell what is usually known as “straight sizing” 8-18, and then you have the very small selection of plus-size stores, which are split as such: “Youthful” stores such as City Chic who sell 14 (XS)-24(XXL), and “older” stores such as My Size/Autograph, who stock 16-26. For women above a 26 in Australia, unfortunately the internet is usually the only place to find clothing to fit.
As someone who wears a 20/22 on top and a 24/26 on bottom, I pretty much slot into the City Chic line, mainly because I don’t wear pants. You heard me. I hate pants. In City Chic dresses and skirts I range from a M to an XL, depending on the cut and the material. If I wanted jeans, I would have to get the City Chic size 24 online, because their jeans in-store stop at 22, which I can fit, but it isn’t pretty. I doubt that the 24 would look very pretty either, on account of my gunt.

So all in all, I am very limited in what I can buy in a brick and mortar store – City Chic, Best n Less and Myer are pretty much the only stores that I can shop at that are in any way slightly fashion-forward. I realise that I am a hell of a lot luckier than larger fats who have to deal with online shopping and exhorbitant postage costs, but I still get pissed off about clothes shopping and trying to find fashionable plus size clothing in stores. As an aside, when I travel I ALWAYS keep at least 2 outfits, all my underwear and my swimsuit in my carry-on so that if my luggage gets lost I still have something to wear while I’m away (albeit with regular laundering!). Have you ever needed to find size 24/26 stuff in South-East Asia!? I haven’t, and I’m determined to keep it that way.

City Chic infuriate me most of the time, because they tend to take one idea and run with it across their ENTIRE FUCKING COLLECTION. At one point, you would walk into their store to find that 90% of the tops were peplum. They also don’t seem to understand how to make a shirt with a hem that’s the same length all around. All of their shirts and tunics are “hi-lo” meaning they are higher at the front and far lower at the back. Some of the stuff look like regular shirts with huge flaps of material over the bum, which I think is so fucking ugly. They also insist on carrying a million “skater dresses” which are somewhat “flattering” but have an awkwardly full skirt which make them too formal for regular wear, whereas the fabric and colour make them too casual for going-out wear. Not to mention they are some weird cotton-blend material which pills the minute you wash it, all for the low price of like $100. Honestly, who designs this shit??

Look at any plus-size clothing line and you will be pretty hard-pressed to find things that are simple and nice without the designer adding some strange semi-trend into it. It’s like they design something decent and then think ‘oh, but a fatty can’t wear this and be NORMAL, we have to add in one of those awful little details so that people realise that this item is exclusively for plus-size women”. These designers love to take an item and put two different/clashing trends on it. No, this shirt was fine just with a lace collar, don’t add random cut-out shoulders! Hey, this skirt looks great, get away from there with those diamantes in your hand! No, that dress doesn’t need a hi-lo cut AND a peplum frill! Stop that!

STOP THAT! (Photo stolen from http://eatdrinkbite.com/)

STOP THAT!
(Photo stolen from http://eatdrinkbite.com/)

So what I do is hit up City Chic only when I want something specific that they have that they haven’t butchered the design on, and spend the rest of the time trawling places like Best n Less, or the Myer plus size section (I have actually found the most amazing stuff here, all on sale). I can also be spotted at places like Target and K-Mart, buying sizes 16-18 stuff that are really big or have a lot of stretch or whatever. One of my favourite miniskirts is a Target size 18 pencil skirt made out of a thick stretchy lycra/cotton, which I wear as a high waisted miniskirt with opaque tights and a long shirt with an even hemline. This outfit came together because there was a planetary alignment or some shit, because usually to find an outfit that makes me look like a normal person with taste is pretty much a lottery win. I spend HOURS trying to find simple garments that don’t look completely fugly, when a straight-sized person can just walk into pretty much any shop anywhere and pick a really awesome outfit off the rack in like five minutes. Of course you could argue that I could do that at City Chic, but I disagree because there is NO VARIETY. Not to mention it’s five times the cost of any regular sizing store. I have found that Best n Less has started to bring out some really awesome Lily and Lou label stuff, at a tiny fraction of the City Chic price, so that is now my first stop for clothes and swimsuits.

Most of my clothes are clothes which are supposed to be too small for me, but I wear them in a fitted way. Also opaque tights are my best friends, as are interesting necklaces, off-the-planet Karen Walker sunglasses, and makeup. That’s pretty much how a fat girl gets around the conundrum of trying to dress with flair in a world that thinks fat girls should be relegated to large floral prints, kaftans, weird 3/4 pants and oversized men’s polo-neck t-shirts. Here are some photos of the kind of stuff I adorn my size 24/26 bod with – keep in mind that most of these outfits were a total miracle. Often, I will wear the same kind of stuff ALL THE TIME, because it’s so damn hard to find a lot of variety at my size:

This dress was supposed to be a super baggy "arty" shaped size 20, but I wore it as a shirt fitted 24/26 with a belt and some tights.

This size 20 dress was supposed to be a super baggy “arty” sack, but my size 26 ass wore it as a short fitted dress with a belt and some tights.

When the time is right I will mix and match every pattern and colour I own, haha.

When the time is right I will mix and match every pattern and colour I own, haha.

A black pencil skirt and a long fitted black top with a colourful scarf is pretty much my work staple.

A black pencil skirt and a long fitted black top with a colourful scarf is pretty much my work staple.

City Chic used to do some pretty cute dresses to be fair. This one ended up being too puffy on the bottom, not casual enough.

City Chic used to do some pretty cute dresses, to be fair. This one ended up being too puffy on the bottom, not casual enough.

Another City Chic affair from back in the day.

Another City Chic affair from back in the day.

Sorry for the poor quality of this pic, this was an oversized baggy size 16 jumper that I wear as a fitted one with leggings.

Sorry for the poor quality of this pic, this is an oversized baggy size 16 jumper that I wear as a fitted one with leggings.

Possibly one of the coolest plus size tops I've ever found, size 26 from Best n Less. WITH AN EVEN HEMLINE!!!! Worn with leggings and a beanie.

Possibly one of the coolest plus size tops I’ve ever found, size 26 from Best n Less. WITH AN EVEN HEMLINE!!!! Worn with leggings and a beanie.

5am elevator selfie...  The cool target miniskirt I mentioned earlier with another Best n Less shirt (even hemline!), black opaque tights and a fun necklace. This is pretty much my going out staple but sometimes I wear a different miniskirt or shirt.

5am elevator selfie…
The cool target miniskirt I mentioned earlier with another Best n Less shirt (even hemline!), black opaque tights and a fun necklace. This is pretty much my going out staple but sometimes I wear a different miniskirt or shirt.

Layering black shirt done up to top and grey cardy with opaque tights and a black sequin City Chic skirt that is supposed to be a pencil skirt but *just* fits me as a miniskirt.

Layering black shirt done up to top and grey cardy with opaque tights and a black sequin City Chic skirt that is supposed to be a pencil skirt but *just* fits me as a miniskirt.

Got any fatshion tips and tricks of your own? I’d love to hear them in the comments!!!!
Love, A Fellow Fatty xoxoxoxoxo

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Fatuation #1: Flying While Fat

Seeing as I have just returned from a trip overseas, it seems fitting that for my first post I discuss the fat situation (aka Fatuation) of flying while fat. I’m not a rich woman, therefore my flights are predominantly booked through what are commonly known as “budget airlines”. A year or so ago I flew to Kuala Lumpur on AirAsiaX, which proudly boasts the entire fucking decadent seat width of 15.5 inch (40cm). Immediately I got out my ruler and marked this width on the wall, then marked my actual hip/butt width on the wall, resulting in a difference of around 15cm. With the flights already booked and the fear of getting kicked off the plane a la Kevin Smith in front of my friends, I crash-dieted my way from 144kg to 135kg over the course of 3 weeks, (which is entirely unhealthy and resulted in an immediate rebound weight gain upon my return). The day loomed ever near and I began to dehydrate myself to try and make myself as small as I possibly could. I was feeling a little happier in the knowledge that two of our gang were not going to be able to make it and therefore I would get an empty seat next to myself, so as not to fulfill my other Great Fear: spilling over the armrest into Someone Else’s Space (you only need to read the hateful comments on every article about fat people flying to know how fucking detested we are by the Privileged Thin population). Of course, in the week leading up to the flight I was filled with anxiety and fear and my mind was creating all sorts of awful scenarios and trying to create contingency plans for every possibility – anyone who has been a deathfat with a plane ticket will know all about this.

When the day arrived, I was completely tense until we were in the air. Firstly, I did fit in the seat with the armrests down. It wasn’t comfortable, and the armrests threatened to edge upwards, but it did happen. Secondly, I *just* got the seatbelt buckled up without the help of a seatbelt extender (Fear #2: asking for a seatbelt extender in front of friends and family). Thirdly, the seat that was supposed to be empty was instead occupied by one of my friends who wanted to sit there, despite my protests and warnings of suffocation by second-hand fat.
Our next flight had seats slightly larger by around an inch, and our final flight that day had seats of 18 inches. Hallelujah! I felt like a tiny ant sitting on a majestic throne on that flight. I sure as hell didn’t look like one, but I confidently sat next to my friend without having to tilt all the way over into the window just to try not to encroach on her space. I know it seems ludicrous at this size, but honestly, an extra inch or two makes SO MUCH DIFFERENCE.

Now, fast-forward to two weeks ago, and I was again confronted with the predicament of Flying While Fat – this time, at 144kg, although my stellar crash-dieting efforts this time had seen the exile of 11kg. I had booked us near the back of the plane, with my mother in a separate row in the hopes that my sister in law and I would manage to get an empty seat on our row so that we could spread out and I wouldn’t feel like I was killing anyone with my enormous hips. When we arrived early to check in, the nice lady at the Jetstar counter offered us the exit row seating for no extra charge. My mother and sister-in-law excitedly agreed and I grimaced inwardly, hoping like hell that the seats weren’t weird fixed armrest type contraptions, and above all, praying that I wouldn’t need a seatbelt extender – because if that were the case, I would have been kicked out of the exit row in full view of everyone. Oh the shame of it! Why did this check-in lady not consider that I might be too fat for this? Grrrr!!
Remembering that the seatbelt had been super tight on the flight that I had been around 7kg lighter on, I was really freaked out and things were touch-and-go for a minute. I had to recline my seat first to get the damn thing buckled up and then it was super tight. But it was on!
Now the exciting thing was, the seats on this flight were supposed to be 17.7 inches, which I knew would be kind of tight, but possible. What I wasn’t prepared for was that in the exit row on my seat (window), there didn’t appear to be a window armrest at all, meaning that I gained yet another few inches of room! For the first time in ages, I was sitting totally normally in a plane seat without the armrests bruising my thighs, or my neighbour giving me dirty looks. The second bonus of this flight was that because we were in the exit row, we had extra leg room as the seats in front of us were further away – meaning that I could actually put the tray table down! LIKE A REGULAR PERSON! I may as well have been in first class, I felt like motherfucking royalty for that flight. Unfortunately we weren’t able to get those seats on the return leg. But from this day forth, my new mantra will be “Jetstar Airbus 320 Seat 13F” – that, my fellow fat friends, is the magic seat should you ever fly on this craft. Just make sure that you won’t need a seatbelt extender and that you are strong enough to open the door should there be an emergency.

So here are my top tips for flying while fat:
1. Check the seating dimensions of all of your flights, so you know what to expect.
2. Book that magic Jetstar seat (provided you are flying on an Airbus 320 and that you won’t need a seatbelt extender). For the record, my hips are around 145-150cm and I was able to get it done up. Or, for any other flight, book yourself a window seat in the last 3-4 rows of the plane. The reason for this is that the airlines usually autofill the plane from the front, so if your flight isn’t full there is a good chance that the back few rows will be quite empty (I have noticed this from personal experience as well). So you won’t get off the plane first. Who cares? You’ll be able to raise the armrest the whole trip and use the tray table of the seat next to you to put stuff on! At the very least, if you are travelling with friends and you get to make the booking, use your friend as a barrier between you and strangers. Put yourself on the window and them in the middle so that you don’t have to deal with glaring strangers.
3. During the fortnight before you fly, drink around 4L of water per day if you don’t already do so. Trust me on this, you are probably retaining some water and being bloated can be the difference between a seatbelt and a seatbelt extender. Drinking more water is the best way to flush through retained water, and if you try not to eat a lot of salty stuff as well, this is even better. For the 24 hours before your flight, completely stop eating foods with a high salt content. Drink green tea or coffee as these are diuretics and will flush the last of your retained water out of your system. Eat light meals that you can digest easily. Note: This is not an ongoing diet suggestion, it is just some good tips to help you be at your smallest to travel in relative comfort. I’ve been there, I know how much this ritual helps, I promise!
4. Take a long cardy or something on the plane to wear as a kind of makeshift snuggy. I like to do this because it covers up how unsightly the seatbelt looks straining under my tummy. It’s like a security blanket and can be good if the plane is cold.
5. Before you sit down, raise both armrests and pull the seatbelt out to it’s maximum capacity, then recline the seat. Now, sit down leaning back, fasten your seatbelt, put the seat back upright and put the armrests down. It can be really hard trying to navigate the seatbelts when you are trying to reach between seats and through armrests to pull the ends through as well as keeping your mischievous adipose tissue at bay. If you struggled to buckle up, it’s a good idea to keep that seatbelt on the whole time unless you have to go to the toilet – it will save another gladiatorial battle when you have to get the thing back on for landing.
6. Whenever I travel I ALWAYS keep at least 2 outfits, all my underwear and my swimsuit in my carry-on so that if my luggage gets lost I still have something to wear while I’m away (albeit with regular laundering!). Have you ever needed to find size 24/26 stuff in South-East Asia!? I haven’t, and I’m determined to keep it that way. I feel that this is a valuable piece of advice!!
7. Enjoy your trip!

Love, A Fellow Fatty xoxoxoxoxo

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